My Fair Lady Close(d) Caption Transcript -------------------------------
Sorry, sir, I've already got it there. Over here, sir! Freddy, go and find a cab. - Watch out, ducky! - Get on with it, gov. Don't just stand there, Freddy. Go and find a cab. All right, I'll go. I'll go. Sorry. Ohh! - Look where you're goin', dear. Look where you're goin'. - I'm so sorry. Two bunches of violets trod in the mud. A full day's wages. - Freddy. Freddy, go and find a cab! - Yes, Mother. Oh, he's your son, is he? Well, if you'd done your duty by him as a mother should, you wouldn't let him spoil a poor girl's flowers and then run away without payin'. Oh, go about your business, my girl. And you wouldn't go off without payin' either. Two bunches of violets trod in the mud. - Jove! Good heavens! - Oh, sir, is there any sign of it stopping? - I'm afraid not. It's worse than before. - Oh, dear! If it's worse, it's a sign it's nearly over. Cheer up, captain. Buy a flower off a poor girl? - I'm sorry. I haven't any change. - Oh, I can change half a crown. - Here, take this for tuppence. - I told you, I'm awfully sorry. I haven't-- Oh, wait a minute. Oh, yes. Here's three ha'pence, if that's any use to you. Thank you, sir. Hey, you, be careful. Better give him a flower for it. There's a bloke here behind that pillar, taking down every blessed word you're saying. I ain't done nothing wrong by speaking to the gentleman. I've a right to sell flowers if I keep off of the curb. I'm a respectable girl, so help me. -I never spoke to him except to ask him to buy a flower off me! -Oh, don't start! - What's all the bloomin' noise? - There's a "tec" takin' her down. Well, I'm making an honest living! - Who's doing all that shouting? - Where's it coming from? Oh, sir, don't let him charge me! You don't know what it means to me! They'll-- They'll take away me character and drive me on the streets! For-- For speaking to gentlemen! There, there, there, there. Who's hurting you, you silly girl? What do you take me for? - On my Bible oath, I never spoke a word. - Oh, shut up, shut up. - Do I look like a policeman? - Then what'd you take down me words for? How do I know you took me down right? You just show me what you wrote about me. Oh. - What's that? That ain't proper writing. I can't read it. - I can. "I say, captain, now buy you a flower off a poor girl." Oh, it's 'cause I called him "captain." -I meant no harm. Oh, sir, don't let him lay a charge against me for a word like that! -Charge? - I'll make no charge. - You don't know what-- Really, sir, if you are a detective, you needn't begin protecting me... against molestation from young women until I ask you. Anyone can tell the girl meant no harm. He ain't no "tec." He's a gentleman. Look at his boots. How are all your people down at Selsey? Who told you my people come from Selsey? Never mind. They do. How do you come to be up so far east? You were born in Lisson Grove. Ohh, what harm is there in my leaving Lisson Grove? It weren't fit for a pig to live in and I had to pay four and six a week. -Oh, live where you like, but stop that noise. -Come, come, he can't touch you. You have a right to live where you please. - I'm a good girl, I am! - Yes, dear. Yes. - Where do I come from? - Hoxton. Well, who said I didn't? Blimey, you know everything, you do. You, sir. Do you think you could find me a taxi? I don't know whether you've noticed it, madam, but it's stopped raining. You can get a motor bus to, uh, Hampton Court. - Well, that's where you live, isn't it? - What impertinence! Hey, uh, tell him where he comes from, you want to go fortune telling. Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge and, uh, India? - Quite right! - Blimey, he ain't a "tec." He's a bloomin' busybody. - That's what he is. - If I may ask, sir, do you do this sort of thing for a living at a music hall? Well, I have thought of it. Perhaps I will one day. He's no gentleman. He ain't, to interfere with a poor girl! - How do you do it, may I ask? - Simple phonetics. The science of speech. That's my profession. Also my hobby. Anyone can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue, but I can place a man within six miles. I can place him within two miles in London. Sometimes within two streets. He ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward! - Is there a living in that? - Oh, yes. Quite a fat one. - Let him mind his own business and leave a poor girl-- - Woman! Cease this detestable "boo-hooing" instantly... or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship. I've a right to be here if I like, same as you. A woman who utters such disgusting and depressing noise, she has no right to be anywhere, no right to live. Remember that you're a human being with a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech, that your native language is the language of Shakespeare and Milton and the Bible. Don't sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon. Ohh! Look at her A prisoner of the gutters Condemned by every syllable she utters By right, she should be taken out and hung For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue - Ohh! - "Ohh!" Heavens, what a sound This is what the British population Calls an elementary education Come, sir, I think you picked a poor example. Did I? Hear them down in Soho Square dropping "H"s everywhere Speaking English any way they like - Uh, you, sir, did you go to school - What do you "tike" me for a fool No one taught him "take" instead of "tike" Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse hear a Cornishman converse I'd rather hear a choir singing flat Chickens cackling in a barn - Just like this one - Garn! "Garn"! I ask you, sir, what sort of word is that? It's "ohh" and "garn" that keep her in her place Not her wretched clothes and dirty face Why can't the English teach their children how to speak This verbal class distinction by now should be antique If you spoke as she does, sir instead of the way you do - Why, you might be selling flowers too - I beg your pardon? An Englishman's way of speaking absolutely classifies him The moment he talks he makes some other Englishman despise him One common language I'm afraid we'll never get Oh, why can't the English learn to Set a good example to people whose English Is painful to your ears The Scotch and the Irish leave you close to tears There even are places where English completely disappears Well, in America, they haven't used it for years Why can't the English teach their children how to speak Norwegians learn Norwegian The Greeks are taught their Greek In France, every Frenchman knows his language from "A" to "zed" The French don't care what they do, actually, as long as they pronounce it properly. Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning The Hebrews learn it backwards which is absolutely frightening Use proper English You're regarded as a freak Oh, why can't the English Why can't the English learn To speak Thank you. You see this creature with her curbstone English, the English that'll keep her in the gutter 'til the end of her days? Well, sir, in six months, I could pass her off as a duchess at an Embassy ball. I could even get her a job as a lady's maid or a shop assistant... which requires better English. Here, what's that you say? Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf; you disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns; you incarnate insult to the English language. I could pass you off as, uh, the Queen of Sheba. - Ohh! You don't believe that, captain? - Anything's possible. I, myself, am a student of Indian dialects. Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering, the author ofSpoken Sanskrit? I am Colonel Pickering. Who are you? I'm Henry Higgins, author of Higgins' Universal Alphabet. I came from India to meet you. - I was going to India to meet you! - Higgins! - Pickering! - Higgins! - Where are you staying? - At the Carlton. No, you're not. You're staying at 27-A Wimpole Street. - You come along with me. We'll have a little jaw over supper. - Right, you are. - Indian dialects have always fascinated me. - Buy a flower, kind sir? - I'm short for me lodging. - Liar. You said you could change half a crown. You ought to be stuffed with nails, you ought! Here, take the whole bloomin' basket for sixpence! A reminder. - How many are there, actually? - How many what? - Eh, Indian dialects. No fewer than 147 distinct languages are recorded as vernacular. Ohh. Ohh! - Ohh. - Shouldn't we stand up, gentlemen? We've got a bloomin' heiress in our midst. Would you be looking for a good butler, Eliza? Well, you won't do. It's rather dull in town I think I'll take me to Paris The missus wants to open up the castle in Capri Me doctor recommends a quiet summer by the sea Wouldn't it be loverly Where you bound for this year, Eliza? Biarritz? All I want is a room somewhere Far away from the cold night air With one enormous chair Oh, wouldn't it be loverly Lots of chocolate for me to eat Lots of coal makin' lots of heat Warm face, warm hands warm feet Oh, wouldn't it be loverly Oh, so loverly sittin' Abso-bloomin'-lutely still I would never budge 'Til spring crept over the windowsill Someone's head restin' on my knee Warm and tender as he can be Who takes good care of me Oh, wouldn't it Be loverly Loverly Loverly Loverly Loverly All I want is a room somewhere Far away from the cold night air With one enormous chair Oh, wouldn't it be loverly Lots of chocolate for me to eat Lots of coal making lots of heat Warm face, warm hands warm feet Oh, wouldn't it be loverly Oh, so loverly sittin' Abso-bloomin'-lutely still I would never budge 'Til spring crept over the window sill Someone's head resting on my knee Warm and tender as he can be Who takes good care of me Oh, wouldn't it Be loverly Loverly Loverly Loverly Oh, wouldn't it Be loverly Loverly Loverly Loverly Wouldn't it Be loverly Come on, come on. Come on, Alfie, let's go home now. This place is giving me the willies. Home? What do you want to go home for? It's nearly 5:00. My daughter Eliza'll be along soon. She ought to be good for a half crown for her father what loves her. Loves her? That's a laugh. You ain't been near her for months. What's that got to do with it? What's half a crown after all I've give her? When did you ever give her anything? Anything? I give her everything. I give her the greatest gift any human being can give to another: life. I introduced her to this here planet, I did, with all its wonders and marvels. The sun that shines, the moon that glows. Hyde Park to walk through on a fine spring night. The whole ruddy city of London to roam around in, sellin' her bloomin' flowers. I give her all that, then I disappears and leaves her on her own to enjoy it. Now, if that ain't worth half a crown now and again, I'll take my belt off and give her what for. You've got a good heart, Alfie, but you want a half a crown out of Eliza, - you better have a good story to go with it. - Leave that to me, my boy. - Good morning, George. - Not a brass farthing. - Good morning, dear Algernon. - Not a brass farthing. London Press! Come on, get your London Press here. Lovely Spanish onions, only five pence apiece! Five pence apiece! There she is. Tomatoes over here. Nice, ripe tomatoes. Why, Eliza, what a surprise. Hop along, Charlie. You're too old for me. -Don't you know your own daughter, Alfie? -How you gonna find her if you don't know what she looks like? I know her, I know her. Come on. I'll find her. - Eliza, what a surprise. - Not a brass farthing. Aye, here. You come here, Eliza! I ain't gonna take me hard-earned wages and let you pass 'em on to a bloody pub keeper! Cruel. Eliza, you wouldn't have the heart to send me home to your stepmother... without a drop of liquid protection, now, would ya? Stepmother, indeed. Well, I'm willing to marry her. It's me that suffers by it. I'm a slave to that woman, Eliza. Just because I ain't her lawful husband. Ah, come on. Slip your old dad just half a crown to go home on. - Well, I had a bit of luck meself last night. - Yeah? So, here. But don't keep comin' around countin' on half crowns from me. Thank you, Eliza. You're a noble daughter. Beer, beer Glorious beer Fill yourself right up to here - But she's been ill. - Yeah, I know. You see this creature with her curbstone English, the English that'll keep her in the gutter 'til the end of her days? In six months, I could pass her off as a duchess at an Embassy ball. I could even get her a job as a lady's maid or a shop assistant which requires better English. You disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns! I could even get her a job as a lady's maid or a shop assistant which requires better English. Now, how many vowel sounds do you think you've heard altogether? - I believe I counted 24. - Wrong by a hundred. - What? - To be exact, you heard 130. - Now listen to them one at a time. - Must I? I'm really quite done up for one morning. Your name, please. - Your name, miss. - My name is of no concern to you whatsoever. One moment, please. Oh, London is getting so dirty these days. I'm Mrs. Pearce, the housekeeper. Can I help you? Oh, good morning, missus. I'd like to see the Professor, please. - Could you tell me what it's about? - It's business of a personal nature. Oh. One moment, please. - Mr. Higgins? - What is it, Mrs. Pearce? There's a young woman who wants to see you, sir. A young woman? What does she want? Oh, she's quite a common girl, sir. Very common, indeed. I should have sent her away, only I thought perhaps you wanted her to talk into your machine. - Has she an interesting accent? - Simply ghastly, Mr. Higgins. - Good. Let's have her in. Show her in, Mrs. Pearce. - Very well, sir. It's for you to say. You know, this is rather a bit of luck. I'll show you how I make records. We'll set her talking and then I'll take her down first in Bell's Visible Speech, and then in broad Romaic, and then we'll get her on the phonograph... so you can turn her on whenever you want with the written transcript before you. - This is the young woman, sir. - Good morning, my good man. - Might I have the pleasure of a word with you face-to-face? - Oh, no, no, no. This is the girl I jotted down last night. She's no use. I've got all the records I want of the Lisson Grove lingo. I'm not going to waste another cylinder on that. Now be off with you. I don't want you. Don't be so saucy. You ain't heard what I come for yet. Did you tell him I come in a taxi? Nonsense, girl. What do you think a gentleman like Mr. Higgins cares what you came in? Oh, we are proud. Well, he ain't above giving lessons. Not him. I heard him say so. Well, I ain't come here to ask for any compliment, and if my money's not good enough, I can go elsewhere. - Good enough for what? - Good enough for you. Now you know, don't ya? I'm come to have lessons, I am. And to pay for 'em too, make no mistake. Well. And, um, what do you expect me to say? Well, if you was a gentleman, you might ask me to sit down, I think. Don't I tell you I'm bringing you business? Uh, Pickering, should we ask this baggage to sit down or should we just throw her out of the window? Oh! I won't be called a baggage, not when I've offered to pay like any lady. What do you want, my girl? I-- I want to be a lady in a flower shop... instead of standing at the corner of Tottenham Court Road. But they won't take me unless I can talk more genteel. He said he could teach me. Well, here I am. Ready to pay him, not asking any favor. And he treats me as if I was dirt! I know what lessons cost as well as you do, and I'm ready to pay. - How much? - Now you're talkin'. I thought you'd come off it when you saw a chance of getting back a bit of what you chucked at me last night. - You'd had a drop in, hadn't you, eh? - Sit down! - Oh, well, if you're going to make a compliment of it-- - Sit down! - Sit down, girl. Do as you're told. - Ohh! - What's your name? - Eliza Doolittle. Won't you sit down, Miss, uh, Doolittle? Oh. I don't mind if I do. Now, uh, - how much do you propose to pay me for these lessons? - Oh, I know what's right. A lady friend of mine gets French lessons for eighteen pence an hour... from a real French gentleman. Well, you wouldn't have the face to ask me the same for teachin' me my own language... as you would for French, so I won't give more than a shillin', take it or leave it. You know, Pickering, if you think of a shilling... not as a simple shilling, but as a percentage of this girl's income, it works out as fully equivalent of, uh, 60 or 70 pounds from a millionaire. By George, it's enormous. It's the biggest offer I ever had. Sixty pounds! What are you talking about? Where would I get sixty pounds? - I never offered you 60 pounds! - Oh, hold your tongue. - But I ain't got 60 pounds! Oh, don't cry, you silly girl. Sit down. Nobody's going to touch your money. Somebody's going to touch you with a broomstick if you don't stop sniveling. Sit down! Oh, anybody would think he was my father. If I decide to teach you, I'll be worse than two fathers to you. Oh, here. - What's this for? - To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that feels moist. And remember, that's your handkerchief and that's your sleeve, and don't confuse the one with the other if you want to become a lady in a shop. It's no use to talk to her like that, Mr. Higgins. She doesn't understand you. Here, give that handkerchief to me! He give it to me, not to you. Higgins, I'm interested. What about your boast that you could pass her off as a duchess at the Embassy ball, eh? I'll say you're the greatest teacher alive if you can make that good. I'll bet you all the expenses of the experiment that you can't do it. I'll even pay for the lessons. Oh, you're real good. Thank you, captain. You know, it's almost irresistible. She's so deliciously low, so horribly dirty. I ain't dirty! I washed my face and hands before I come, I did. - I'll take it. I'll make a duchess of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe. - Ohh! We'll start today. Now. This moment. Take her away, Mrs. Pearce, and clean her. Sandpaper, if it won't come off any other way. Is it a good fire in the kitchen? - Yes, but I-- - Take all her clothes off and burn them, and ring up and order some new ones. Just wrap her in brown paper 'til they come. You're no gentleman, you're not, to talk of such things. I'm a good girl, I am, and I know what the likes of you are, I do. We want none of your slum prudery here, young woman. You've got to learn to behave like a duchess. Now take her away, Mrs. Pearce, and if she gives you any trouble, wallop her. - I'll call the police, I will! - But I've got no place to put her. - Well, put her in the dustbin. - Ohh! Come, Higgins, be reasonable. You must be reasonable, Mr. Higgins. Really, you must. You can't walk over everybody like this. I? Walk over everybody? My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear Pickering, I had no intention of walking over anybody. I merely suggested we should be kind to this poor girl. I didn't express myself clearly... because I didn't wish to hurt her delicacy or yours. But, sir, you, you can't take a girl up like that... as, as if you were picking up a pebble on the beach. - Why not? - Why not? But you don't know anything about her. - What about her parents? She may be married. - Garn! There, as the girl very properly says, "Garn!" Who'd marry me? By George, Eliza, the streets will be strewn with the bodies of men... shooting themselves for your sake before I've done with you. Here, I'm going. He's off his chump, he is. I don't want no balmies teaching me. Oh, mad, am I? All right, Mrs. Pearce, don't ring up and order those new clothes. - Throw her out! - Stop, Mr. Higgins. I won't allow it. - Go home to your parents, girl. - I ain't got no parents. There you are. She ain't got no parents. What's all the fuss about? Nobody wants her. - She's no use to anybody but me, so take her upstairs! - But what's to become of her? Is she to be paid anything? Oh, do be sensible, sir. What would she do with money? She'll have her food and her clothes. She'll only drink if you give her money. Oh, you are a brute! It's a lie! Nobody ever saw the sign of liquor on me. Oh, sir, you are a gentleman. Don't let him speak to me like that. Does it occur to you, Higgins, the girl has some feelings? Oh, no, I don't think so. No feelings we need worry about. - Well, have you, Eliza? - I've got my feelings, same as anyone else. Mr. Higgins, I must know on what terms the girl is to be here. What's to become of her when you've finished your teaching? You must look ahead a little, sir. What's to become of her if we leave her in the gutter? Answer me that, Mrs. Pearce. That's her own business, not yours, Mr. Higgins. Well, when I'm done with her we'll throw her back in the gutter and then it'll be her own business again. -So that'll be all right, won't it? -You've no feelin' heart in you. You don't care for nothing but yourself. Here, I've had enough of this. I'm goin', I am. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you ought. Have some chocolates, Eliza. How do I know what might be in 'em? I bet a girl's been drugged by the likes of you. Pledge of good faith. I'll take one half... and you take the other. You'll have boxes of them, barrels of them every day. You'll live on them, eh? I wouldn't have et it, only I'm too ladylike to take it out of me mouth. Think of it, Eliza. Think of chocolates. And taxis and gold and diamonds! Ohh! I don't want no gold and no diamonds. I'm a good girl, I am. Higgins, I really must interfere. Mrs. Pearce is quite right. If this girl's going to put herself in your hands for six months for an experiment in teaching, she must understand thoroughly what she's doing. Hmm. Eliza. You are to stay here for the next six months, learning how to speak beautifully. Like a lady in a florist shop. If you're good and do whatever you're told, you shall sleep in a proper bedroom, have lots to eat, and money to buy chocolates and take rides in taxis. But if you are naughty and idle, you shall sleep in the back kitchen amongst the black beetles... and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick. At the end of six months, you shall be taken to Buckingham Palace... in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the King finds out that you are not a lady, the police will take you to the Tower of London where your head will be cut off... as a warning to other presumptuous flower girls. But if you are not found out, you shall have a present... of, uh, seven and six to start life with as a lady in a shop. If you refuse this offer, you will be the most ungrateful, wicked girl... and the angels will weep for you. - Now are you satisfied, Pickering? - I don't understand what in the world you're talking about. -Well, could I put it more plainly or fairly, Mrs. Pearce? -Come with me, Eliza. That's right, Mrs. Pearce. Bundle her off to the bathroom. You're a great bully, you are! I won't stay here if I don't like it. I won't let nobody wallop me! - Don't answer back, girl. - If I'd known what I was letting myself in for, I wouldn't have come here. I've always been a good girl, I have, and I won't be put upon! In six months-- in three if she has a good ear and a quick tongue-- I'll take her anywhere and I'll pass her off as anything. I'll make a queen of that barbarous wretch. I've never had a bath in me life, not what you'd call a proper one. You know, you can't be a nice girl inside if you're dirty outside. I'll have to put you in here. This will be your bedroom. Oh, I couldn't sleep here, missus. It's too good for the likes of me. Oh, I-I should be afraid to touch anything. I ain't a duchess yet, you know. Oh, what's this? Is this where you wash clothes? This is where we wash ourselves, Eliza, and where I'm going to wash you. You expect me to get into that and wet meself all over? Not me. I shall catch me death. Come along now. Come along. Take your clothes off. Come on, girl. Do as you're told. Take your clothes off. - Here, come on, help me take these-- - Ohh! - No, I won't! - Come out of there. - I won't! Why? No! I won't! - Here, take your hands off me! - Don't! - Here! - No, here! No! - Hold her! - No! - Stop it, Eliza! - I won't! Let go! - Keep still! I've got her now! That's right! No! No! - I'm a good girl, I am! - Well, they won't like the smell of you if you won't have a bath. It ain't right! It ain't decent! - Get your hands off me! - Come here! I'm a good girl, I am! - Take your hands off me! Here! - Eliza, it won't hurt a bit! Now keep still! Stop it! Oh, it won't hurt you! Higgins, forgive the bluntness, but if I'm to be in this business, I shall feel responsible for the girl. I hope it's clearly understood that no advantage is to be taken of her position. What, that thing? Sacred, I assure you. Come now, Higgins. You know what I mean. This is no trifling matter. Are you a man of good character where women are concerned? Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? Yes, very frequently. Well, I haven't. I find the moment that a woman makes friends with me, she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious and a damn nuisance. And I find the moment that I make friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor and likely to remain so. Well, after all, Pickering, I'm an ordinary man who desires nothing more Than just an ordinary chance to live exactly as he likes And do precisely what he wants An average man am I of no eccentric whim Who likes to live his life free of strife Doing whatever he thinks is best for him Well, just an, an ordinary man But let a woman in your life And your serenity is through She'll redecorate your home from the cellar to the dome Then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you Let a woman in your life And you're up against a wall Make a plan and you will find she has something else in mind And so rather than do either you do something else that neither likes at all You want to talk of Keats or Milton She only wants to talk of love You go to see a play or ballet And spend it searching for her glove Let a woman in your life And you invite eternal strife Let them buy their wedding bands For those anxious little hands I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling Than to ever let a woman in my life I'm a very gentle man Even tempered and good-natured whom you never hear complain Who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein A patient man am I down to my fingertips The sort who never could ever would Let an insulting remark escape his lips A very gentle man But let a woman in your life And patience hasn't got a chance She will beg you for advice Your reply will be concise And she'll listen very nicely then go out and do precisely what she wants You are a man of grace and polish Who never spoke above a hush Now all at once you're using language That would make a sailor blush Let a woman in your life And you're plunging in a knife Let the others of my sex Tie the knot around their necks I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition Than to ever let a woman in my life I'm a quiet-living man Who prefers to spend the evenings in the silence of his room Who likes an atmosphere as restful as an undiscovered tomb A pensive man am I of philosophic joys Who likes to meditate contemplate Free from humanity's mad, inhuman noise A quiet-living man But let a woman in your life And your sabbatical is through In a line that never ends come an army of her friends Come to jabber and to chatter and to tell her what the matter is with you She'll have a booming boisterous family Who will descend on you en masse She'll have a large Wagnerian mother With a voice that shatters glass Let a woman in your life Let a woman in your life I shall never let A woman in my life Get out of here! You, you get out too! Come on, Doolittle. And remember, drinks are to be paid for or not drunk. Thanks for your hospitality, George. Send the bill to Buckingham Palace. Come on. Well, Alfie, there's nothing else to do. I guess it's back to work. What? Don't you dare mention that word in my presence again. Look at all these poor blighters down here. I used to do that sort of thing once, just for exercise. It's not worth it. Takes up your whole day. Ah, don't worry, boys. We'll get out of this somehow. - How do you think you're going to do that, Alfie? - How? Same as always. Faith, hope and a little bit of luck. The Lord above gave man an arm of iron So he could do his job and never shirk The Lord above gave man an arm of iron, but With a little bit of luck With a little bit of luck Someone else will do the blinkin' work With a little bit With a little bit With a little bit of luck you'll never work The Lord above made liquor for temptation To see if man could turn away from sin The Lord above made liquor for temptation, but With a little bit of luck With a little bit of luck When temptation comes you'll give right in With a little bit With a little bit With a little bit of luck you'll give right in Oh, you can walk the straight and narrow But with a little bit of luck you'll run amuck The gentle sex was made for man to marry To share his nest and see his food is cooked The gentle sex was made for man to marry, but With a little bit of luck With a little bit of luck You can have it all and not get hooked With a little bit With a little bit With a little bit of luck you won't get hooked With a little bit With a little bit With a little bit of bloomin' luck They're always throwing goodness at you But with a little bit of luck a man can duck The Lord above made man to help his neighbor No matter where on land or sea or foam The Lord above made man to help his neighbor, but With a little bit of luck With a little bit of luck When he comes around you won't be home With a little bit With a little bit With a little bit of luck you won't be home With a little bit With a little bit With a little bit of bloomin' luck - Hey, Alfie, you make a good suffragette. - Oh, leave the girls alone! He'll never get married again! -Get out. Get out of here. -Why, there's the lucky man now. The honorable Alfie Doolittle. - What are you doing in Eliza's house? - Her former residence. You can buy your own drinks now, Alfie Doolittle. Fallen into a tub of butter, you have. - What are you talking about? - Your daughter, Eliza. - Oh, you're a lucky man, Alfie Doolittle. - Well, what about Eliza? Oh! He don't know. Her own father and he don't know. Moved in with a swell, Eliza has. Left here in a taxi all by herself, smart as paint, and ain't been home for three days! - Go on. - Then this morning I gets a message from her. She wants her things sent over... to 27-A Wimpole Street, care of Professor Higgins. - And what things does she want? - What? Her birdcage and her Chinese fan. But, she says, never mind... about sending any clothes. I knew she had a career in front of her. Eddie boy, we're in for a boozer. The sun is shining on Alfred P. Doolittle. A man was made to help support his children Which is the right and proper thing to do A man was made to help support his children, but With a little bit of luck With a little bit of luck They'll go out and start supporting you With a little bit With a little bit With a little bit of luck they'll work for you With a little bit With a little bit With a little bit of bloomin' luck Oh, it's a crime for man to go philanderin' And fill his wife's poor heart with grief and doubt Oh, it's a crime for man to go philanderin', but With a little bit of luck With a little bit of luck You can see the bloodhound don't find out With a little bit With a little bit With a little bit of luck she won't find out - Charlie, over here! - With a little bit With a little bit With a little bit of bloomin' luck With a little bit of bloomin' luck - The mail, sir. - Uh, pay the bills and say no to the invitations. You simply cannot go on working the girl this way, making her say her alphabet over and over, from sunup to sundown, even during meals. You'll exhaust yourself. When will it stop? When she does it properly, of course. Is that all, Mrs. Pearce? There's another letter from that American millionaire, Ezra D. Wallingford. - He still wants you to lecture for his Moral Reform League. - Yes, well, throw it away. Oh, it's the third letter he's written you, sir. You should at least answer it. Oh, all right. Leave it on the desk, Mrs. Pearce. I'll try and get to it. If you please, sir, there's a dustman downstairs, Alfred P. Doolittle, who wants to see you. - He says you have his daughter here. - Phew! I say! - Well, send the blackguard up. - He may not be a blackguard, Higgins. Oh, nonsense. Of course he's a blackguard, Pickering. Whether he is or not, I'm afraid we'll have some trouble with him. No, I think not. Any trouble to be had, he'll have it with me, not I with him. Doolittle, sir. - Professor Higgins. - Here! Where? Oh, good morning, governor. I come about a very serious matter, governor. Brought up in Hounslow. Mother Welsh, I should think. What is it you want, Doolittle? I want my daughter, that's what I want. See? Well, of course you do. You're her father, aren't you? I'm glad to see you have a spark of family feeling left. - She's in there. Just take her away at once. - What? Take her away! You think I'm going to keep your daughter for you? Ah, now, is this reasonable, governor? Is it "fairity" to take advantage of a man like that? The girl belongs to me. You got her. Where do I come in? How dare you come here and attempt to blackmail me. You sent her here on purpose. Oh, now, don't take a man up like that, governor. Well, the police should take you up. This is a plant, a plot to extort money by threats. I shall telephone the police. Have I asked you for a brass farthing? I leave it to this gentleman here. Have I said a word about money? What else did you come for? Well, what would a bloke come for? Be human, governor. Alfred, you sent her here on purpose. - So help me, governor, I never did. - Then how did you know she was here? I'll tell you, governor, if you only let me get a word in. I'm willing to tell you. I'm wanting to tell you. I'm waiting to tell you. You know, Pickering, this chap's got a certain natural gift of rhetoric. Observe the rhythm of his native woodnotes wild. "I'm willing to tell you. I'm wanting to tell you. I'm waiting to tell you." That's the Welsh strain in him. How did you know Eliza was here if you didn't send her? Well, she sent back for her luggage, and I got to hear about it. She said she didn't want no clothes. What was I to think from that, governor? I ask you, as a parent, what was I to think? So you came here to rescue her from worse than death, eh? - Just so, governor. That's right. - Yes. Mrs. Pearce! Uh, Mrs. Pearce. Eliza's father has come to take her away. Give her to him, will you? Now wait a minute, governor, wait a minute. You and me is men of the world, ain't we? Oh, men of the world, are we? - Yes, well, you'd better go, Mrs. Pearce. - I think so indeed, sir. Here, governor, I've, uh, I've took a sort of a fancy to you. And, uh, if you want the girl, well, I ain't so set on havin' her back home again. But what I might be open to is, uh, an arrangement. All I ask is my rights as a father. You're the last man alive to expect me to let her go for nothing. I can see you're, you're one of the straight sort, governor. So, uh, what's a five-pound note to you... and what's Eliza to me? I think you ought to know, Doolittle, that Mr. Higgins' intentions are entirely honorable. Well, of course they are, governor. If I thought they wasn't, I'd ask 50. You mean to say you'd sell your daughter for 50 pounds? Have you no morals, man? No. No, can't afford them, governor. Neither could you if you was as poor as me. Not that I mean any harm, mind you. But if Eliza is gonna have a bit out of this, why not me too, eh? Why not? Well, look, uh-- Look at it my way. What am I? I ask you, what am I? I'm one of the undeserving poor, that's what I am. Now think what that means to a man. It means he's up against middle-class morality for all of time. If there's anything going and I puts in for a bit of it, it's always the same story. You're undeserving, so you can't have it. But my needs is as great as the most deserving widows that ever got money... out of six different charities in one week for the death of the same husband. I don't need less than a deserving man; I need more. I don't eat less hearty than he does, and I drink, oh, a lot more. I'm playing straight with you. I ain't pretending to be deserving. No, I'm undeserving, and I mean to go on being undeserving. I like it and that's the truth. But will you take advantage of a man's nature... to do him out of the price of his own daughter what he's brought up, fed and clothed... by the sweat of his brow... 'til she's growed big enough to be interesting to you two gentlemen? Well, is five pounds unreasonable, I put it to you? And I'll leave it to you. You know, Pickering, if we took this man in hand for three months, he could choose between a seat in the cabinet and a popular pulpit in Wales. - We'd better give him a fiver. - He'll make bad use of it, I'm afraid. Ah, not me, governor. So help me, I won't. Just one good spree for meself and the missus, giving pleasure to ourselves and employment to others. And satisfaction to you to know it ain't been throwed away. You couldn't spend it better. Oh, this is irresistible. Let's give him ten. No. The missus wouldn't have the heart to spend ten, governor. Ten pounds is a lot of money. Makes a man feel prudent-like, and then good-bye to happiness. No, you just give me what I ask, governor. Not a penny less, not a penny more. I rather draw the line at encouraging this sort of immorality, Doolittle. Why don't you marry that missus of yours, eh? After all, marriage isn't so frightening. - You married Eliza's mother. - Who told you that, governor? Well, nobody told me. I concluded, naturally. If we listen to this man for another minute, we shall have no convictions left. - Five pounds, I think you said. - Thank you, governor. - Thank you. - Are you sure you won't have ten? - No. No, perhaps another time. - I won't, I won't, I won't! I beg your pardon, miss. - I won't say those ruddy vowels one more time. - Blimey, it's Eliza. Well, I never thought she'd clean up so good-looking. She does me credit, don't she, governor? Here, what you doin' here? Now, now, now, you hold your tongue and don't you give these gentlemen none of your lip. If you have any trouble with her, governor, give her a few licks of the strap. That's the way to improve her mind. Well, good morning, gentlemen. Cheerio, Eliza. There's a man for you. A philosophical genius of the first water. Mrs. Pearce, write to Mr. Ezra Wallingford... and say that if he wants a lecturer, to get in touch with Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle, - a common dustman, but one of the most original moralists in England. - Yes, sir. Here, what did he come for? - Say your vowels. - I know me vowels. I knew them before I come. - Well, if you know them, say them - A, E, I, O, U. Wrong! A, E, I, O, U. That's what I said. A, E, I, O, U. That's what I've been saying for three days, and I won't say them no more! I know it's difficult, Miss Doolittle, but try to understand. It's no use explaining, Pickering. As a military man, you ought to know that. Drilling is what she needs. Now you leave her alone or she'll be turning to you for sympathy. Very well, if you insist. But have a little patience with her, Higgins. Of course. - Now, say "A"! - You ain't got no heart, you ain't! - "A"! - "A"! - "A"! - "A"! - "A"! - "A"! - Eliza. I promise you you'll say your vowels correctly before this day is out... or there'll be no lunch, no dinner... and no chocolates. Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins Just you wait You'll be sorry, but your tears will be too late You'll be broke and I'll have money Will I help ya Don't be funny Just you wait 'Enry 'Iggins Just you wait Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins 'til you're sick And you screams to fetch a doctor double quick I'll be off a second later and go straight to the theater Ha ha ha, 'Enry 'Iggins Just you wait Oooh, 'Enry 'Iggins Just you wait until we're swimmin' in the sea Oooh, 'Enry 'Iggins And you get a cramp a little ways from me When ya yell you're gonna drown I'll get dressed and go to town Ha ha ho, 'Enry 'Iggins Ho ho ho, 'Enry 'Iggins Just you wait One day, I'll be famous I'll be proper and prim Go to St. James so often I will call it St. Jim One evening the King will say Oh, Liza, old thing I want all of England Your praises to sing Next week on the 20th of May I proclaim Liza Doolittle Day All the people will celebrate The glory of you And whatever you wish and want I gladly will do Thanks a lot, King says I In a manner well-bred But all I want is 'Enry 'Iggins' head -Done -Says the King with a stroke Guard, run and bring in the bloke Then they'll march you 'Enry 'Iggins, to the wall -And the King will tell me -Liza, sound the call As they raise their rifles higher I'll shout Ready, aim, fire Ha ha ha, 'Enry 'Iggins Down you'll go 'Enry 'Iggins Just you wait "A." "A." "A." "A." All right, Eliza, say it again. "The 'rine' in Spain... stays mainly in the 'pline.'" The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain. - Didn't I "sigh" that? - No, Eliza, you didn't "sigh" that. You didn't even say that. Every night before you get into bed where you used to say your prayers, I want you to say, "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain"... 50 times. You'll get much further with the Lord if you learn not to offend His ears. Now for your "H"s. Pickering, this is going to be ghastly. Control yourself, Higgins. Give the girl a chance. Oh, well, I suppose you can't expect her to get it right the first time. Come here, Eliza, and watch closely. Now. You see that flame? Every time you pronounce the letter "H" correctly, the flame will waver; and every time you drop your "H," the flame will remain stationary. That's how you'll know if you've done it correctly. In time, your ear will hear the difference. You'll see it better in the mirror. Now, listen carefully. In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire... hurricanes hardly ever happen. Now, if you'll repeat that after me. In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen. In 'Ertford, 'Ereford 'n' 'Ampshire, 'urricanes 'ardly "hever" 'appen. Oh, no, no, no! Have you no ear at all? - Shall I do it over? - No, please. Start from the very beginning. Just do this. Go: ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Go on! Go on, go on. Ha. Ha. - Ha. Ha. - Does the same thing hold true in India, Pickering? - This peculiar habit of not only dropping a letter like the letter "H," - Ha. Ha. Ha. - but using it where it doesn't belong, like "hever" instead of "ever." - Ha. Ha. -Ha. Ha. -Why is it Slavs, when they learn English, have a tendency to do it with their "G"s? - They say "ling-er" instead of "lin-ger." - Ha. Ha. - Ha. Ha. Ha. - Then they turn right around and say "sin-ger" instead of "sing-er." -Ha. Ha. Ha. -Why is it Slavs have been using it where it isn't needed, and in English have to do it with their "G"? - The girl, Higgins! - Go on! Go on, go on, go on. - Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. -Poor Professor Higgins -Poor Professor Higgins - Ha. Ha. Night and day he slaves away Oh, poor Professor Higgins All day long On his feet Up and down until he's numb Doesn't rest Doesn't eat Doesn't touch a crumb Again, Eliza. How kind of you to let me come. How kind of you to let me come. No. Kind of you. Kind of you. Kind-- How kind of you to let me come. -How kind of you to let me come. -No, no, no, no. Kind of you. Kind of you. It's like "cup of tea." Kind of you. Cup of tea. Say, say, "Cup of tea." - Cuppatea. - No, no. A cup of tea. It's awfully good cake, this. I wonder where Mrs. Pearce gets it. -First rate. And those strawberry tarts are delicious. -Hmm. Did you try the "pline" cake? - Try it again. - Did you try the-- Pickering! - Again, Eliza. - Cuppatea. Oh, no. Can't you hear the difference? Look, put your tongue forward... until it squeezes on the top of your lower teeth, and then say "cup." - Cup. - Then say "of." - Of. Then say, "Cup, cup, cup cup, of, of, of, of." - Cup, cup, cup, cup, of, of, of, of. - Cup, cup, cup, cup, of, of, of, of. - Cup, cup, cu-- Of, of, of, of. - Mm-hmm. By Jove, Higgins, that was a glorious tea. Why don't you finish that last strawberry tart? I couldn't eat another thing. - Oh, I couldn't touch it. - Shame to waste it. Oh, it won't be wasted. I know somebody who is immensely fond of strawberry tarts. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep-- Ohh! Poor Professor Higgins Poor Professor Higgins On he plods against all odds Oh, poor Professor Higgins Nine p.m. Ten p.m. On through midnight every night One a.m. Two a.m. Three Four, five, six marbles. Now, I want you to read this, and I want you to enunciate every word... just as if the marbles were not in your mouth. "With blackest moss, the flower pots... were thickly crusted, one and all." Each word, clear as a bell. "With bla'est moss, the flower pots--" I can't. I can't! I say, Higgins, are those pebbles really necessary? If they were necessary for Demosthenes, they are necessary for Eliza Doolittle. Go on, Eliza. "With bla'est moss, "the flower pots... were thickly crusted one and--" I can't understand a word. Not a word! "With blackest moss, the flower pots... were thickly crusted, one and all." Higgins, perhaps that poem's a little too difficult for the girl. Why don't you try something simpler like "The Owl and the Pussycat"? Oh-ho, yes, that's a charming one! Well, Pickering, I can't hear a word the girl is saying! - What's the matter? - I swallowed one. Oh, it doesn't matter. I got plenty more. Open your mouth. One, two-- Quit, Professor Higgins Quit, Professor Higgins Hear our plea or payday we will quit Professor Higgins "A," not I "O," not ow Pounding, pounding In our brain "A," not I "O," not ow Don't say "rine" Say "rain" The rain in Spain... stays mainly... in the plain. I can't! I'm so tired! I'm so tired! For God's sake, Higgins, it must be 3:00 in the morning. Do be reasonable. I am always reasonable. Eliza, if I can go on with a blistering headache, you can. I've got an headache too. Oh, here. I know your head aches. I know you're tired. I know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher's window. But think what you're trying to accomplish. Just think what you're dealing with. The majesty and grandeur of the English language; it's the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men... are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative and musical mixtures of sounds. And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer, Eliza. And conquer it you will. Now try it again. The rain in Spain... stays mainly... in the plain. What was that? The rain in Spain... stays mainly... in the plain. Again. The rain in Spain Stays mainly in the plain I think she's got it. I think she's got it. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain By George, she's got it! By George, she's got it! Now, once again where does it rain On the plain On the plain And where's that soggy plain In Spain In Spain The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain Bravo! The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire Hurricanes hardly happen How kind of you to let me come. Now, once again where does it rain On the plain On the plain And where's that blasted plain In Spain In Spain The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain Pickering! Pickering. Ole. Ole. Ole! Hey, Pickering! - Ole! - Ole! - Ole! Oh, dear! We're making fine progress, Pickering. I think the time has come to try her out. Are you feeling all right, Mr. Higgins? - Yes, I'm feeling fine, Mrs. Pearce. How are you? - Very well, sir. Thank you. Oh, good. Let's, let's test her in public and see how she fares. Mr. Higgins, I was awakened by a dreadful pounding. Do you know what it might have been? - Pounding? I didn't hear any pounding? Did you, Pickering? - No. No. If this goes on, Mrs. Pearce, you'd better see a doctor. - I know! We'll take her to the races. - The races? - My mother's box at Ascot. - You'll consult your mother first, of course? Oh, yes, of course. Uh-- Eh, no. I think perhaps we better surprise her. Now let's go to bed. First thing in the morning we'll go out and we'll buy her a dress. - Now get on with your work, Eliza. - But, Mr. Higgins, it's early in the morning. What better time to work than early in the morning? - Where does one buy a lady's gown? - Whiteley's, of course. - How do you know that? - Common knowledge. Well, let's not buy her anything too flowery. I despise those gowns with sort of weeds here and weeds there. We ought to buy something sort of simple and modest and elegant, is what's called for, perhaps with a, with a bow. Yeah, I think that's just right. You've all been working much too hard. I think the strain is beginning to show. Eliza, I don't care what Mr. Higgins says, you must put down your books and go to bed. Bed, bed I couldn't go to bed My head's too light to try to set it down Sleep, sleep I couldn't sleep tonight Not for all the jewels in the crown I could have danced all night I could have danced all night And still have begged For more I could have spread my wings And done a thousand things I've never done before I'll never know What made it so exciting Why all at once My heart took flight I only know When he began to dance with me I could have danced danced, danced All night -It's after 3:00 now -Don't you agree now -She ought to be in bed -She ought to be in bed -I could have danced all night -You're tired out -You must be dead -I could have danced all night -Your face is worn -Your eyes are red -And still have begged -Now say good night, please -Turn out the light, please It's really time for you to be in bed -For more -I could have spread my wings -A good time ago Do as you're told -And done a thousand things -Or Mrs. Pearce is apt to scold -I've never done before -You're up too late, Miss And sure as fate, Miss You'll catch a cold I'll never know what made it So exciting Why all at once My heart took flight -I only know -Put down your book -When he began to dance -The work can keep -Now settle down and go to sleep -With me I could have danced danced, danced All night I understand, dear It's all been grand, dear But now it's time to sleep I could have danced all night I could have danced all night And still have begged For more I could have spread my wings And done a thousand things I've never done before I'll never know what made it So exciting Why all at once My heart took flight I only know When he began to dance with me I could have danced danced, danced All night Every duke and earl and peer is here Everyone who should be here is here What a smashing positively dashing Spectacle The Ascot Opening Day At the gate are all the horses Waiting for the cue to fly away What a gripping absolutely ripping Moment at The Ascot Opening Day Pulses rushing Faces flushing Heartbeats speed up I have never been so keyed up Any second now they'll begin to run Hark, a bell is ringing They are springing forward Look, it has begun What a frenzied moment that was Didn't they maintain an exhausting pace 'Twas a thrilling absolutely chilling Running of The Ascot Opening Race Uh, Mother. Henry! What a disagreeable surprise. Hello, Mother. How nice you look. What are you doing here? You promised never to come to Ascot. Go home at once. - I can't, Mother. I'm here on business. - Oh, no, Henry, you must. Now, I'm quite serious. You'll offend all my friends. The moment they meet you, I never see them again. - Besides, you aren't even dressed for Ascot. - I changed my shirt. Now listen, Mother, I've got a job for you, a phonetics job. I've picked up a girl-- - Henry! - Oh, no, darling, not a love affair. She's a flower girl. I'm taking her to the annual Embassy Ball, but I want you to try her out first. - I beg your pardon? - Well, you know the Embassy Ball? - Of course I know the ball, but-- - So I invited her to your box today. Do you understand? - A common flower girl? - Oh, she'll be all right. I've taught her how to speak properly. She has strict instructions as to her behavior. She's to keep to two subjects: the weather and everybody's health. "Fine day" and "How do you do?" And not just let herself go on things in general. -Help her along, darling. You'll be quite safe. -Safe? To talk about one's health in the middle of a race? Well, she's got to talk about something. - Where's the girl now? - Uh, she's being pinned. Some of the clothes we bought her didn't quite fit. - I told Pickering we should've taken her with us. - Oh, goodness! Ah! - Mrs. Eynsford-Hill. - Good afternoon, Mrs. Higgins. - You know my son, Henry. - Oh, how do you do? - I've seen you somewhere before. - I don't know. Oh, it doesn't matter. You better sit down. - Lady Boxington. - Where the devil can they be? - Uh, Lord Boxington. - Ah! Colonel Pickering, you're just in time for tea. Thank you, Mrs. Higgins. May I introduce Miss Eliza Doolittle? -My dear Miss Doolittle. -How kind of you to let me come. Delighted, my dear. - Lady Boxington. - How do you do? - How do you do? - Lord Boxington. - How do you do? - How do you do? - Mrs. Eynsford-Hill, Miss Doolittle. - How do you do? - How do you do? And Freddy Eynsford-Hill. How do you do? How do you do? - Miss Doolittle. - Good afternoon, Professor Higgins. The first race was very exciting, Miss Doolittle. I'm so sorry that you missed it. Will it rain, do you think? The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain. But in Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire... hurricanes hardly ever happen. - How awfully funny. - What is wrong with that, young man? - I bet I got it right. - Smashing. Hasn't it suddenly turned chilly? I do hope we won't have any unseasonable cold spells. They bring on so much influenza, and the whole of our family is susceptible to it. My aunt died of influenza, so they said, but it's my belief they done the old woman in. - Done her in? - Yes, Lord love you. Why should she die of influenza... when she'd come through diphtheria right enough the year before? Fairly blue with it she was. They all thought she was dead, but my father, he kept ladling gin down her throat. Oh! Then she come to so sudden, she bit the bowl off the spoon. Dear me! Now what call would a woman with that strength in her have... to die of influenza? And what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it. And what I say is, them as pinched it done her in. Done her in? Done her in, did you say? Whatever does it mean? Oh, that's the new small talk. Uh, to "do somebody in" means to kill them. But you surely don't believe your aunt was killed. Do I not! Them she lived with... would have killed her for a hat pin, let alone a hat. But it can't have been right for your father to pour spirits down her throat like that. - It might have killed her. - Not her. Gin was mother's milk to her. Besides, he poured so much down his own throat, he knew the good of it. - Do you mean that he drank? - Drank? My word, something chronic. Dear, what are you sniggering at? It's the new small talk. You do it so awfully well. Well, if I was doing it proper, what was you sniggering at? Have I said anything I oughtn't? Oh, Lord! - Uh, not at all, my dear. - Well, that's a mercy, anyhow. - Uh! - What? Yeah. Oh, yes. - But I always say-- I don't know whether there's enough time before the next race... to place a bet, but come, my dear. - I don't suppose so. - I have a bet on number seven. I shall be so happy if you would take it. You'll enjoy the race ever so much more. - That's very kind of you. - His name is Dover. Come along, my dear. Come along. There they are again lining up to run Now they're holding steady They are ready for it Look, it has begun Come on. Come on, Dover! Come on. Come on, Dover! Come on! Come on, Dover! Move your bloomin' arse! Don't upset yourself. Oh, my dear. You're not serious, Henry. You don't expect to take her to the Embassy Ball. - Don't you think she's ready for it? - Dear Henry! - She's ready for a canal barge. - Well, her language may need a little refining, but, uh-- Oh, really, Henry! If you cannot see how impossible... this whole project is, then you must be absolutely potty about her. I advise you to give it up now and not put yourself and this poor girl through any more. Give it up? Why, it's the most fascinating venture I've ever undertaken. Pickering and I are at it from morning 'til night. It fills our whole lives. Teaching Eliza, talking to Eliza, listening to Eliza, dressing Eliza. What? You're a pretty pair of babies... playing with your live doll. - Ah, here's the car. - Ah. I say, sir, uh-- - Good evening, sir. - Ah! Uh, dinner ready? I'm famished. - Immediately, sir. - Good evening, Professor Higgins. When she mentioned how her aunt Bit off the spoon She completely done me in And my heart went on a journey to the moon When she told about her father And the gin And I never saw a more enchanting farce Than the moment when she shouted Move your bloomin'-- - Yes, sir? - Uh, i-is Miss Doolittle in? - Whom shall I say is calling? - Freddy Eynsford-Hill. Oh, if she, if she doesn't remember who I am, tell her I'm the chap who was sniggering at her. - Yes, sir. - And will you give her these? Yes, sir. Wouldn't you like to come in, sir? - They're having dinner, but you may wait in the hall. - No. No, thank you. - I want to drink in the street where she lives. - Yes, sir. I have often walked Down this street before But the pavement always stayed Beneath my feet before All at once am I Several stories high Knowing I'm on the street Where you live Are there lilac trees In the heart of town Can you hear a lark in any other part of town Does enchantment pour Out of every door No, it's just on the street Where you live And, oh The towering feeling Just to know Somehow you are near The overpowering feeling That any second you may suddenly appear People stop and stare They don't bother me For there's nowhere else on earth That I would rather be Let the time go by I won't care if I Can be here on the street Where you live Oh, sir! I'm terribly sorry, sir. Miss Doolittle says she doesn't want to see anyone ever again. - But why? She was unbelievable. - So I've been told, sir. - Is there any further message? - Yes. Tell her that I'll wait. Oh, but it might be days, sir. Even weeks. But don't you see? I'll be happier here. People stop and stare They don't bother me For there's nowhere else on earth That I would rather be Let the time go by I won't care if I Can be here on the street Where you live It really is, Higgins. It's inhuman to continue. Do you realize what you've got to try and teach this poor girl within six weeks? You've got to teach her to walk, talk, address a duke, a lord, a bishop, an ambassador. It's absolutely impo-- Higgins, I'm trying to tell you that I want to call off the bet. I know you're a stubborn man, but so am I. This experiment is over, and nothing, short of an order from the King, could force me to recant. Now, if you'll excuse me. You understand, Higgins? It's over! Higgins. Higgins! If there's any mishap at the Embassy tonight, if Miss Doolittle suffers any embarrassment whatever, it'll be on your head alone. - Oh, Eliza can do anything. - Suppose she's discovered? Remember Ascot. Suppose she makes another ghastly mistake? There'll be no horses at the ball, Pickering. Think how agonizing it would be. Oh, if anything happened tonight, I don't know what I'd do. - Well, you could always rejoin your regiment. - This is no time for flippancy, Higgins. The way you've driven the girl the last six weeks has exceeded all bounds of common decency. For God's sake, Higgins, stop pacing up and down. Can't you settle somewhere? - Have some port. It'll quieten your nerves. - I'm not nervous. - Where is it? - On the piano. - The car is here, sir. - Oh, good. Tell Miss Doolittle, will you? - Yes, sir. Tell Miss Doolittle, indeed. I bet you that damn gown doesn't fit. I warned you about these French designers. We should've gone to a good English shop where you'd have known everyone would have been on our side. - Have a glass of port? - No, thank you. Are you so sure this girl will retain everything you've hammered into her? - Well, we shall see. - Suppose she doesn't. - I lose my bet. - Higgins, there's one thing... I can't stand about you, that's your confounded complacency. At a moment like this with so much at stake, it's utterly indecent... that you don't need a glass of port. And what about the girl? You act as though she doesn't matter at all. Oh, rubbish, Pickering. Of course she matters. What do you think I've been doing all these months? What could possibly matter more than to take a human being... and change her into a different human being by creating a new speech for her? It's filling up the deepest gap that separates class from class... and soul from soul. Oh, she matters immensely. Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful. Thank you, Colonel Pickering. Don't you think so, Higgins? Hmm, not bad. Not bad at all. Lady Demereau, the Viscount Sir James Paris. The Marquis and Marchioness of Bennett. Dame Suzanne Milanier. Sir Albert and Lady Darring. Honorable Mister Archibald and Lady Catherine Harry. Maestro! Maestro. - Don't you remember me? - No. Who the devil are you? I'm your pupil. Your first, your greatest, your best pupil. I'm Zoltan Karpathy, that marvelous boy. - Ohh-- - Ah, I made your name famous throughout Europe. You teach me phonetics. You cannot forget me. Why don't you have your hair cut? Ah, well, I don't have your imposing appearance, your figure, your brow. If I had my hair cut, nobody would notice me. Where did you get all these old coins? - These are decorations for language. - Oh. The Queen of Transylvania is here this evening; I'm indispensable to her at these official international parties. I speak 32 languages; I know everyone in Europe; no impostor can escape my detection. - Professor Karpathy. - Oh, Your Honor. The Greek ambassador. Greek, my foot. He pretends not to know any English, but he cannot deceive me. - He's the son of a Yorkshire watchmaker. - Oh! He speaks English so villainously... that he cannot utter a word without betraying his origin. I help him pretend, but I make him pay through the nose. I make them all pay. Excuse me, sir, you're wanted upstairs. - Her Excellency asks for you. - Oh! Excuse me. Viscount and Viscountess Saxon. Baron and Baroness of Yalstir. Sir Guy and Lady Scot Ackland. The Count and Countess Demereau. Viscount and Viscountess Hillyard. Mr. and Mrs. Richard Lanser. Lord and Lady Clandon. Miss Eliza Doolittle, Colonel Pickering. Miss Eliza Doolittle, Colonel Pickering. - Professor Higgins. - Good evening, Miss Doolittle. - Your Excellency. - Miss Doolittle. - How do you do? - Good evening, Colonel. - Good evening. Oh, Colonel, what an enchanting young lady you have with you this evening. - Thank you. - Well, who is she? Oh, uh, a cousin of mine and Higgi-- Excuse me. Professor Higgins. Such a faraway look, as if she's always lived in-- in a garden. So she has. A sort of garden. Henry must take Eliza home at once. There's a language expert here; a sort of, uh, you know-- sort of an "impostorologist." I beg your pardon? The young lady with Colonel Pickering. - Find out who she is. - With pleasure. The whole situation's highly explosive. - Such a delicious scandal! - We heard-- Tell me, Zoltan, some more about the Greek ambassador. Gladly, Professor, but first I would love you to present me to this glorious creature. Does he really come from Yorkshire? Her Majesty the Queen of Transylvania... and His Royal Highness Prince Gregor. Charming. Quite charming. Miss Doolittle, ma'am. Such a charming woman. Who is she? You'll know when we hear her announced. What a beautiful bauble. - Are you going to Eden's party next week? - No, I couldn't possibly. Really, you must go. Sparkling! Did you see how he-- Miss Doolittle, my son would like to dance with you. Eliza? I-I have some news for you. Absolutely fantastic! - A lot of tomfoolery! - It was an immense achievement! Well, Mr. Higgins? A triumph, Mrs. Pearce! A total triumph! Higgins, you were superb! Absolutely superb! Tell us the truth now. Weren't you a little bit nervous once or twice? - No, not for a second. - Not during the whole evening? No, not when I saw we were going to win hands down. I felt like a bear in a cave, hanging about with nothing to do. It was an immense achievement. If I hadn't backed myself to do it, I'd have given it up two months ago. - Absolutely fantastic! - Ah, a lot of tomfoolery. Higgins, I salute you. Well, the silly people don't know their own silly business. Tonight, old man, you did it You did it, you did it You said that you would do it and indeed you did I thought that you would rue it I doubted you'd do it But now I must admit it that succeed you did You should get a medal or be even made a knight Oh, it was nothing Really nothing All alone you hurdled every obstacle in sight Now wait, now wait Give credit where it's due A lot of the glory goes to you But you're the one who did it Who did it, who did it As sturdy as Gibraltar Not a second did you falter There's no doubt about it You Did it I must have aged a year tonight At times I thought I'd die of fright Never was there a momentary lull Shortly after we came in I saw at once we'd easily win And after that I found it deadly dull You should have heard the "ooh"s and "ahh"s Everyone wondering who she was You'd think they'd never seen a lady before And when the Prince of Transylvania asked to meet her And gave his arm to lead her to the floor I said to him, You did it You did it, you did it They thought she was ecstatic and so damned aristocratic And they never knew that you Did it Well, thank goodness for Zoltan Karpathy. If it hadn't been for him, I'd have died of boredom. Karpathy, that dreadful Hungarian? Was he there? Yes, he was there, all right, and up to his old tricks. That blackguard who uses the science of speech More to blackmail and swindle than teach He made it the devilish business of his To find out who this Miss Doolittle is Every time we looked around there he was That hairy hound from Budapest Never leaving us alone Never have I ever known a ruder pest Finally I decided it was foolish not to let him have his chance with her So I stepped aside And let him dance with her Oozing charm from every pore He oiled his way around the floor Every trick that he could play he used to strip her mask away And when at last the dance was done He glowed as if he knew he'd won And with a voice too eager and a smile too broad He announced to the hostess that she was a fraud No! Her English is too good he said That clearly indicates that she is foreign Whereas others are instructed in their native language English people aren't And although she may have studied With an expert dialectician and grammarian I can tell that She was born Hungarian Not only Hungarian, but of royal blood. She is a princess! Her blood, he said, is bluer than the Danube is or ever was Royalty is absolutely written on her face She thought that I was taken in but actually I never was How could she deceive another member of her race I know each language on the map, said he And she's Hungarian as the first Hungarian rhapsody Bravo, bravo Bravo - Congratulations Professor Higgins - Thank you. Oh, no, no, no. - For your glorious victory - Thank you, thank you, yes. Congratulations Professor Higgins You'll be mentioned in history - This evening, sir, you did it You did it, you did it - Congratulations Professor Higgins - You said that you would do it and indeed you did - On your glorious victory - This evening, sir, you did it You did it, you did it - Congratulations Professor Higgins - We know that we have seen it but you did it and get credit - Sleep well and God be with you - For it all belongs to you - Every single credit For it all belongs to you Well, thank God that's over. Now I can go to bed without dreading tomorrow. - Good night, Mr. Higgins. - Good night, Mrs. Pearce. I think I'll turn in too. Good night, Higgins. Been a great occasion. Good night, Pickering. Oh, Mrs. Pearce? Oh, damn. I meant to ask her to give me coffee in the morning instead of tea. Leave a little note for her, would you, Eliza? And put out the lights. Left them downstairs. Oh, darn it. Leave my head behind one of these days. What the devil have I done with my slippers? Here are your slippers! There! And there! Take your slippers, and may you never have a day's luck with them! What on earth? What's the matter? Is anything wrong? No, nothing wrong with you. I won your bet for you, haven't I? That's enough for you. I don't matter, I suppose! You won my bet? You presumptuous insect! I won it! - What did you throw those slippers at me for? - Because I wanted to smash your face. I could kill you, you selfish brute! Why didn't you leave me where you picked me out of in the gutter? You thank God it's all over and now you can throw me back again there, do you? Oh, so the creature's nervous after all. Claws in, you cat! How dare you show your temper to me? Sit down and be quiet! Oh, what's to become of me? What's to become of me? How the devil do I know what's to become of you? What does it matter what becomes of you? You don't care. I know you don't care. You wouldn't care if I was dead. I'm nothing to you, not as much as them slippers. - Those slippers! - Those slippers! I didn't think it made any difference now. Why have you suddenly begun going on like this? - May I ask if you complain of your treatment here? - No. -Has anybody behaved badly? Colonel Pickering, Mrs. Pearce? -No. Well, you don't pretend that I have treated you badly. - No. - No. Well, glad to hear that. Perhaps you're tired after the strain of the day. Would you, uh, would you have a chocolate? No! Thank you. Well, it's only natural that you should be anxious, but it's all over now. Nothing more to worry about. No, nothing more for you to worry about. Oh, God, I wish I was dead. Why? In heaven's name, why? Now listen to me, Eliza, all this irritation is purely subjective. I don't understand. I'm too ignorant. Well, it's just imagination. Nothing's wrong. Nobody's hurting you. Now, you go to bed and sleep it off; have a little cry and say your prayers... and you'll feel very much more comfortable. I heard your prayers: "Thank God it's all over." Well, don't you thank God it's all over? And now you're free and you can do what you like. But what am I fit for? What have you left me fit for? Where am I to go, what am I to do and what's to become of me? Oh, that's what's worrying you, is it? Oh, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. I'm sure you wouldn't have any difficulty in settling yourself somewhere or other. I hadn't quite realized you were going away. You might marry, you know. You see, Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like me and the Colonel. Most men are the marrying sort, poor devils. And you're, you're not bad-looking. You're really quite a pleasure to look at sometimes. Well, not now, of course, when you've been crying. You look like the very devil. But I mean, when you're all right and quite yourself, you're what I would call... attractive. Now, you go to bed and have a good night's rest, and then get up in the morning and have a look at yourself in the glass. You won't feel so bad. I dare say, my mother might find some fellow or other who'd do very well. - We were above that at Covent Garden. - What do you mean? I sold flowers. I didn't sell myself. Now you've made a lady of me, I'm not fit to sell anything else. Oh, tosh, Eliza, don't insult human relations... by dragging all that cant about buying and selling into it. - You don't have to marry the fellow if you don't want to. - What else am I to do? Well, lots of things. What about the old idea of a florist shop? I'm sure Pickering'd set you up in one; he's got lots of money. To pay for all those togs you're wearing tonight. And that, with the hire of the jewelry, would make a big hole in 200 pounds. Oh, come on, now, you'll be all right. Well, I must be off to bed. I'm really devilish sleepy. Now, I was looking for something. What was it? Your slippers. Oh, yes! Of course. You shied them at me. Before you go, sir-- Hmm? Do my clothes belong to me or to Colonel Pickering? What the devil use would they be to Pickering? - Why do you bother about that in the middle of the night? - I want to know what I may take away with me. I don't want to be accused of stealing. Stealing? You shouldn't have said that, Eliza; that shows a, a want of feeling. I'm sorry. I'm only a common, ignorant girl, and in my station I have to be careful. There can't be any feelings between the likes of you and the likes of me. Please, will you tell me what belongs to me and what doesn't? Take the whole damn houseful if you want. Except the jewelry; that's hired. Will that satisfy you? Stop, please! Will you take these to your room and keep them safe? I don't want to run the risk of them being missed. Oh, hand them over. If these belonged to me and not the jeweler, I'd, I'd ram them down your ungrateful throat. The ring isn't the jeweler's; it's the one you bought me in Brighton. I don't want it now. Don't you hit me! Hit you, you infamous creature? How dare you suggest such a thing. It's you who've hit me. - You, you've wounded me to the heart. - I'm glad! I've got a little of my own back anyhow! You've caused me to lose my temper, a thing that's hardly ever happened to me before. I don't wish to discuss it further tonight. I'm going to bed. You'd better leave your own note for Mrs. Pearce about the coffee, for it won't be done by me. Damn Mrs. Pearce, damn the coffee and damn you! And damn my own folly for having lavished my hard-earned knowledge... and the treasure of my regard and intimacy... on a heartless guttersnipe. Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins Just you wait You'll be sorry but your tears'll be too late You will be the one it's done to And you'll have no one to run to Just you wait I have often walked down this street before But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before All at once am I several stories high Knowing I'm on the street where you live Are there lilac trees in the heart of town Can you hear a lark in any other part of town Does enchantment pour out of every door No, it's just on the street where you live And, oh the towering feeling Just to know Somehow you are near The overpowering feeling That any second you may suddenly appear People stop and stare They don't-- Darling! - Freddy, whatever are you doing here? - Nothing. I-I spend most of my nights here. It's the only place where I'm happy. Don't laugh at me, Miss Doolittle. Don't you call me Miss Doolittle, do you hear? Eliza's good enough for me. Oh, Freddy, you don't think I'm a heartless guttersnipe, do you? Darling, how could you imagine such a thing? You know how I feel. I've written two or three times a day telling you. Sheets and sheets. Speak and the world is full of singing And I am winging higher than the birds Touch and my heart begins to crumble The heavens tumble, darling and I'm-- Words, words, words I'm so sick of words I get words all day through First from him, now from you Is that all you blighters can do Don't talk of stars burning above If you're in love show me Tell me no dreams filled with desire If you're on fire show me Here we are together in the middle of the night Don't talk of spring Just hold me tight Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that This is no time for a chat Haven't your lips longed for my touch Don't say how much Show me Show me Don't talk of love lasting through time Make me no undying vow Show Me now Sing me no song Read me no rhyme Don't waste my time Show me Don't talk of June Don't talk of fall Don't talk at all Show me Never do I ever want to hear another word There isn't one I haven't heard Here we are together in what ought to be a dream Say one more word and I'll scream Haven't your arms hungered for mine Please don't explain Show me Show me Don't wait until wrinkles and lines Pop out all over my brow Show Me now - Eliza, where are you going? - To the river. - What for? - To make a hole in it. Eliza, darling, what do you mean? - Taxi! - Taxi! - But I've no money! - I have! - Where are you going? - Where I belong! Darling, shall I come with you? With one enormous chair Oh, wouldn't it be loverly Lots of chocolate for me to eat Lots of coal makin' lots of heat Warm face, warm hands warm feet Oh, wouldn't it be loverly - Oh, so loverly - Buy a flower, miss? - Sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely still - Yes, please. I would never budge 'Til spring Crept over me windowsill Someone's head restin' on my knee Warm and tender as she can be Who takes good care of me Oh, wouldn't it Be loverly Oh. Good morning, miss. Can I help you? Do you mind if I warm my hands? Go right ahead, miss. Uh-- - Yes? - Oh, excuse me, miss. - For a second I thought you were somebody else. - Who? Excuse me, ma'am. Early morning light playing tricks with my eyes. Can I get you a taxi, ma'am? Lady like you shouldn't be walking alone around London this hour of the morning. No, thank you. Someone's head resting on my knee Warm and tender as he can be Who takes good care of me Oh, wouldn't it Be loverly Loverly Loverly Loverly Loverly - Good-bye, Alfie. - Good-bye. We'll have to call you Mr. Doolittle now. Do come again, Mr. Doolittle. We value your patronage always. Oh, thank you, my good man, thank you. Here. Here we are. Take the missus on a trip to Brighton with my compliments. Well, thank you, Mr. Doolittle. Charming spot, this alley. We must visit it more often. Father? Oh, no. You see, Harry, he has no mercy. Sent her down to spy on me in me misery, he did. Me own flesh and blood. Well, I'm miserable, all right. You can tell him that straight. What are you talking about? What ya dressed up for? As if you didn't know. Go on back to that Wimpole Street devil. - Tell him what he's done to me. - What's he done to you? Ruined me, that's all. Tied me up and delivered me into the hands of middle-class morality. And don't you defend him. Was it him or was it not him... wrote to an old American blighter named Wallingford, who was givin' five millions to found moral reform societies? To tell him the most original moralist in England... was Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle, a common dustman? That sounds like one of his jokes. You may call it a joke. It's put the lid on me proper. The old bloke died and left me 4,000 pounds a year in his bloomin' will. Who asked him to make a gentleman outta me? I was happy. I was free. I touched pretty nigh everyone for money when I wanted it, same as I touched him. Now I'm tied neck and heels and everybody touches me. A year ago I hadn't a relation in the world, except one or two who wouldn't speak to me. Now I've 50, and not a decent week's wages amongst the lot of them. Oh, I have to live for others now, not for meself. Middle-class morality. Come along, Alfie. Another couple of hours and we have to be at the church. - Yeah. - Church? Yeah, church. The deepest cut of all. Why do you think I'm dressed up like a ruddy pallbearer? Your stepmother wants to marry me. Now I'm respectable, she wants to be respectable. Well, if that's the way you feel about it, why don't you give the money back? That's the tragedy of it, Eliza. It's easy to say chuck it, but I haven't the nerve. We're all intimidated. That's what we are: intimidated. Bought up, yeah. That's what I am. - That's what your precious Professor's brought me to. - Notmy precious Professor. Oh. Sent you back, has he? First he shoves me in the middle class, then he chucks you out for me to support ya. That's all part of his plan. But you double-cross him. Don't you come back home to me. Don't you take tuppence from me. You stand on your own two feet. You're a lady now, and you can do it. Yeah, that's right, Eliza, you're a lady now. Eliza, it's getting awfully cold in that taxi. Here, Eliza, would you like to come and see me turned off this morning, eh? St. George's, Hanover Square, 10:00. - I wouldn't advise it, but you're welcome. - No, thank you, Dad. - No. - Are you all finished here, Eliza? Yes, Freddy, I'm all finished here. - Good luck, Dad. - Thank you, Eliza. - Oh, come along, Alfie. - How much time have I got left? There's just a few more hours That's all the time you've got A few more hours Before they tie the knot There's drinks and girls all over London. And I gotta track 'em down in just a few more hours. Set 'em up, me darling! I'm gettin' married in the morning Ding dong The bells are gonna chime Pull out the stopper Let's have a whopper But get me to the church on time I got to be there in the morning Spruced up and lookin' in me prime Girls, come and kiss me Show how you'll miss me But get me to the church on time If I am dancing roll up the floor If I am whistling Me out the door I'm gettin' married in the morning Ding dong The bells are gonna chime Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass And get me to the church Get him to the church For God's sake get me to the church On time I'm gettin' married in the morning Ding dong The bells are gonna chime Some bloke who's able Lift up the table And get me to the church on time - If I am flyin' then shoot me down - Ohh! If I am wooing get her out of town For I'm gettin' married in the morning Ding dong The bells are gonna chime Whoops ! Feather and tar me Call out the army But get me to the church Get me to the church Oh, for God's sake get me to the church On time He's gettin' married in the morning - Ding dong The bells are gonna chime - Come on! Pull out the stopper Let's have a whopper But get me to the church on time He's got to be there in the morning Spruced up and looking in his prime Girls, come and kiss me Show how you'll miss me But get me to the church on time If I am dancing roll up the floor If I am whistling Me out the door Oh, he's gettin' married in the morning - Ding dong The bells are gonna chime - Ding dong The bells are gonna chime Drug me or jail me Stamp me and mail me - But get me to the church - Get him to the church For God's sake get me to the church On time Come on, Alfie, give us a little dance. - Aw, ain't he dainty, though? - Yeah, he's liable to float! Girls, come and kiss him Show how we miss him And get him to the church on time He's up on a stage! Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass - And get him to the church on time - Is she shinin' 'em? If I am flyin' then shoot me down - If I am wooin' Get her outta town - Ouch! He's gettin' married in the morning Ding dong The bells are gonna chime - Some bloke who's able Lift up the table - What would your wife say? Get me to the church on time Cheers! Starlight is reelin' Home to bed now Morning is smearin' up the sky London is waking Daylight is breaking Good luck, old chum Good health Good-bye I'm gettin' married in the morning Ding dong The bells are gonna chime Hail and salute me Then haul off and boot me But get him to the church Get him to the church For God's sake get him to the church On Time Pickering! Pickering! Didn't she even say where to send her clothes? - I told you, sir, she took them all with her. - Pickering! - What's the matter? - Here's a confounded thing: Eliza's bolted! - Bolted? - Bolted! Last night Mrs. Pearce let her go without telling me a thing about it! -Well, I'm dashed! -What am I to do? I got tea this morning instead of coffee! I don't know where anything is; I don't know when my appointments are. - Eliza would know. - Of course she'd know, but, damn it, she's gone! - Did either of you gentlemen frighten her last night? - Last night? We hardly said a word to her. You were there. Did you bully her after I went to bed? It was the other way around. She threw the slippers at me. I never gave her the slightest provocation; the slippers suddenly came bang at my head before I uttered a word. - She used the most disgraceful language. I was shocked! - Well, I'm dashed! I don't understand. We've always given her every consideration. She admitted it herself. - Well, I'm dashed. - Oh, Pickering, for God's sake, stop being dashed and do something! - What? - Well, phone the police! What are they there for, in heaven's name? Mr. Higgins, you can't give Eliza's name to the police as if she were a thief or a lost umbrella! Well, why not? I want to find the girl. She belongs to me. I paid five pounds for her. Quite right. Hello. Uh, Scotland Yard, please. - Get me some coffee, would you, please, - Yes, sir. Mrs., uh-- Scotland Yard? Pearce, of course. I beg your pardon. Yes, Miss-- Uh, th-th-this is Colonel Pickering speaking. - Hugh Pickering, 27-A Wimpole Street. - 27-A Wimpole Street. - I want to report a missing person. - Name? - A Miss Eliza Doolittle. Yeah. - How old, sir? - About 21. - Her height? Uh, ooh, I should say about five foot, seven. - What color eyes? - Her eyes? - Right. - Oh, let me think now. Her eyes. Her eyes, uh-- - Brown! - Uh, brown, yes. No, no, no! No-- Her hair? Oh, good lord, let me-- No, no. Well, a sort of nondescript, neutral sort of-- - Brown, brown, brown! - Did you hear what he said? "Brown, brown, brown." Yes. No, no, no, this is her residence, 27-A-- Ye-Yes, uh-- About, uh, between 3:00 and 4:00 this morning, I understand. Yes. No, no, no, no. No. Rela-- No, she's no relation, no. What? Well, just let's call her a good friend, shall we? I beg your pardon? Listen to me, my man, I don't like the tenor of that question. What the girl does here is our affair. Your affair is to get her back so that she can continue doing it. Well, I'm dashed. What in all in heaven can have prompted her to go After such a triumph at the ball What could have depressed her What could have possessed her I can't understand the wretch at all Higgins, I have an old school chum at the Home Office. Perhaps he can help. - Think I'll give him a ring. - Number, please. - Whitehall-seven-two, double-four, please. - One moment, I'll connect your call. But women are irrational That's all there is to that Their heads are full of cotton, hay and rags They're nothing but exasperating irritating, vacillating Calculating, agitating maddening and infuriating hags - Yes? - Oh, I want to speak to Mr. Brewster Budgin, please. - Would you hold on, sir? - Brew-- Yes, I'll wait. Pickering, why can't a woman be more like a man? I beg your pardon? Yes, why can't a woman be more like a man Men are so honest So thoroughly square Eternally noble Historically fair When you win we'll always give your back a pat Why can't a woman be like that Why does every one do what the others do Can't a woman learn to use her head Why do they do everything their mothers do Why don't they grow up well, like their father instead Why can't a woman take after a man Men are so pleasant So easy to please Whenever you're with them you're always at ease - Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours - Of course not. - Would you be livid if I had a drink or two - Nonsense! - Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers - Never. Well, why can't a woman be like you One man in a million may shout a bit Now and then there's one with slight defects One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit But by and large we are a marvelous sex Why can't a woman take after a man 'Cause men are so friendly good-natured and kind A better companion you never will find - If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow - Of course not. - If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss - Nonsense! - Would you complain if I took out another fellow - Never! Well, why can't a woman be like us - Oh, hello. Mr. Brewster Budgin there? - Yes, Budgin here. Brewsie. Oh, Brewsie, you'll never, never guess who this is, no. - Colonel Hugh Pickering. - You're quite right. Yes, it is. Good heavens. - By George, what a memory. - I remember you very well. -How are you, Brewsie? Mmm, nice to hear your voice. -Do you know how long it's been? - What? - Thirty years. - Oh, don't say that. Is it really thirty years? Good heavens. Quite right, yes. Oceans of water. Listen, listen, Brewsie, I'll tell you why I rang up. Something rather unpleasant's happened this end. Could I come and see you? Mmm. Well, I could, yes. Now. Straightaway. Right-o. Good. Thank you. Thank you. Good-bye, Brewsie. Thank you very much. Oh, Mrs. Pearce, I'm going along to the Home Office. Oh, I do hope you find her, Colonel Pickering. Mr. Higgins will miss her. Mr. Higgins will miss her, eh? Blast Mr. Higgins! I'll miss her. Pickering! Pickering! - Oh, Mrs. Pearce? - Yes, sir? - Where's the Colonel? - He's gone to the Home Office, sir. Oh, there you are. I'm disturbed, and he runs for help. Now, there's a good fellow. Mrs. Pearce, you're a woman. Why can't a woman be more like a man Men are so decent Such regular chaps Ready to help you through any mishaps Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum Why can't a woman be a chum Why is thinking something women never do And why is logic never even tried Straightening up their hair is all they ever do Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside Why can't a woman behave like a man If I was a woman who'd been to a ball Been hailed as a princess by one and by all Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing Or carry on as if my home were in a tree Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going Why can't a woman be like me Do you mean to say that after you'd done... this wonderful thing for them without making a single mistake, they just sat there, never said a word to you; never petted you or admired you or told you how splendid you'd been? Not a word. They just sat there congratulating each other on how marvelous they'd been, and the next moment on how glad they were it was all over and what a bore it had all been. This is simply appalling; I should not have thrown my slippers at him, - I should've thrown the fire irons. - Good day, Professor Higgins. - Oh! - What's that? - Henry. I knew it wouldn't be too long. Now, remember, you not only danced with a prince last night, you behaved like a princess. Uh, Mother, the most confounded thing. Do you-- - You? - Good afternoon, Professor Higgins. Are you quite well? - Am I-- - Of course you are. You are never ill. Would you care for some tea? Don't you dare try that game on me; I taught it to you. Now, you get up and come home and stop being a fool. You've caused me enough trouble for one morning. Very nicely put indeed, Henry. No woman could resist such an invitation. Well, how did that baggage get here in the first place? Eliza came to see me this morning, and I was delighted to have her. And if you don't promise to behave yourself, I must ask you to leave. Do you mean to say I am to put on my Sunday manners for this thing that I created... out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent Garden? - That's precisely what I mean. - Well, I'll see her damned first. However did you learn good manners with my son around? It was very difficult. I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen behaved if it hadn't been for Colonel Pickering. He always showed me that he felt and thought about me... as if I were something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves but how she is treated. I shall always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins... because he always treats me as a flower girl and always will. But I know I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering... because he always treats me as a lady and always will. Henry, don't grind your teeth. The Bishop is here, madam. Shall I show him into the garden? The Bishop and the Professor? Good heavens, no. I shall be excommunicated. I'll see him in the library. Eliza, if my son starts breaking up things, I give you full permission to have him evicted. Henry, dear, I suggest you stick to two subjects: the weather and your health. Well, you've had a bit of your own back, as you call it. Have you had enough and are you going to be reasonable, or do you want any more? You want me back only to pick up your slippers and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you. - I didn't say I wanted you back at all. - Oh, indeed. Then what are we talking about? Well, about you, not about me. If you come back, you'll be treated as you've always been treated. I can't change my nature; I don't intend to change my manner-- My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering. That's not true; he treats a flower girl as if she were a duchess. Well, I treat a duchess as if she was a flower girl. - Oh, I see. The same to everybody. - Just so. You see, the great secret, Eliza, is not a question of good manners or bad manners... or any particular sort of manners, but having the same manner for all human souls. The question is not whether I treat you rudely, but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better. I don't care how you treat me; I don't mind your swearing at me. I shouldn't mind a black eye; I've had one before this. - But I won't be passed over. - Well, then, get out of my way, for I won't stop for you. - You talk about me as though I was a motor bus. - So you are a motor bus. All bounce and go and no consideration for anybody. But I can get along without you. Don't you think I can't? I know you can; I told you you could. You'd never wondered, I suppose, whether-- whether I could get along without you. Don't you try to get around me; you'll have to. And so I can, without you or any soul on Earth. I shall miss you, Eliza. I've learnt something from your idiotic notions. I confess that, humbly and gratefully. Well, you have my voice on your gramophone. When you feel lonely without me, you can turn it on; it has no feelings to hurt. Well, I, I can't turn your soul on. Ooh, you are a devil. You can twist the heart in a girl just as easily as some can twist her arms to hurt her. - What am I to come back for? - For the fun of it! That's why I took you on! And you may throw me out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want me to? Yes, and you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want me to. - And live with my father? - Yes; or sell flowers. Or would you rather marry Pickering? I wouldn't marry you if you asked me, and you're nearer my age then what he is. - Than he is. - I talk as I like. You're not my teacher now! That's not what I want, and don't you think it is. I've always had chaps enough wanting me that way. Freddy Hill writes me twice and three times a day, sheets and sheets. Oh! In short, you want me to be as infatuated about you as he is, is that it? No, I don't. That's not the sort of feeling I want from you. I want a little kindness. I know I'm a common, ignorant girl and you're a book-learned gentleman, but I'm not dirt under your feet. What I done-- What I did... was not for the taxis and the dresses, but because we were pleasant together, and I'd come to--came... to care for you, not to want you to make love to me, and not forgetting the difference between us, but more friendly-like. Well, of course. That's how I feel. A-And how Pickering feels. - Uh, El-Eliza, you're a fool. - That's not the proper answer to give me! It's the only answer you'll get until you stop being a plain idiot. If you're going to be a lady, you'll have to give up feeling neglected if the men you know... don't spend half their time sniveling over you and the other half giving you black eyes. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you? Well, be off with you to the sort of people you like. Marry some sentimental hog or other with lots of money... and a thick pair of lips to kiss you with and a thick pair of boots to kick you with. If you can't appreciate what you've got, you'd better get what you can appreciate. Oh, I can't talk to you. You always turn everything against me; I'm always in the wrong. But don't be too sure that you have me under your feet to be trampled on and talked down. I'll marry Freddy, I will, as soon as I'm able to support him. Freddy? That poor devil who couldn't get a job as an errand boy, even if he had the guts to try for it? Woman, don't you understand? I've made you a consort for a king! Freddy loves me! That makes him king enough for me! I don't want him to work. He wasn't brought up to it as I was. - I'll go and be a teacher. - What'll you teach, in heaven's name? What you taught me: I'll teach phonetics. Ha ha ha. I'll offer myself as an assistant to that brilliant Hungarian. What, that impostor? That humbug? That toadying ignoramus? Teach him my methods, my discoveries? You take one step in that direction and I'll wring your neck! Do you hear? Wring away! What do I care? I knew you'd strike me one day! Ohh. Ah, that's done you, 'Enry 'Iggins, it has! Now, I don't care that for your bullyin' and your big talk! What a fool I was What a dominated fool To think you were the earth and sky What a fool I was What an addlepated fool What a mutton-headed dolt was I No, my reverberating friend You are not the beginning and the end You impudent hussy. There's not an idea in your head or a word in your mouth that I haven't put there. There'll be spring every year Without you England still will be here without you There'll be fruit on the tree and a shore by the sea There'll be crumpets and tea without you Art and music will thrive without you Somehow Keats will survive without you And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain Even that will remain without you I can do Without you You, dear friend Who talk so well You can go to Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire They can still rule the land without you Windsor Castle will stand without you And without much ado we can all muddle through Without you You brazen hussy. Without your pulling it the tide comes in Without your twirling it the earth can spin Without your pushing them the clouds roll by If they can do without you Ducky, so can I I shall not feel alone without you I can stand on my own without you So go back in your shell I can do bloody well - Without-- - By George, I really did it I did it, I did it I said I'd make a woman and indeed I did I knew that I could do it I knew it, I knew it I said I'd make a woman And succeed I did Eliza, you're magnificent. Five minutes ago you were a millstone 'round my neck, and now you're a tower of strength, a consort battleship. I like you this way. Good-bye, Professor Higgins. You shall not be seeing me again. Mother! Mother! What is it, Henry? What's happened? - She's gone. - Well, of course, dear. What did you expect? Well-- - What am I to do? - Do without, I suppose. And so I shall. If the Higgins oxygen burns up her little lungs, let her seek some stuffiness that suits her. She's an owl, sickened by a few days of my sunshine. Very well, let her go. I can do without her. I can do without anyone. I have my own soul, my own spark of divine fire! Bravo, Eliza! Damn, damn, damn, damn I've grown accustomed to her face She almost makes the day begin I've grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and noon Her smiles, her frowns Her ups, her downs Are second nature to me now Like breathing out and breathing in I was serenely independent and content before we met Surely I could always be that way again And yet I've grown accustomed to her looks Accustomed to her voice Accustomed To her face Marry Freddy. What an infantile idea. What a heartless, wicked, brainless thing to do. But she'll regret it. She'll regret it! It's doomed before they even take the vow. I can see her now Mrs. Freddy Eynsford-Hill In a wretched little flat above a store I can see her now Not a penny in the till And a bill collector beating at the door She'll try to teach the things I taught her And end up selling flowers instead Begging for her bread and water While her husband has his breakfast in bed In a year or so when she's prematurely gray And the blossom in her cheek has turned to chalk She'll come home and, lo he'll have upped and run away With a social-climbing heiress from New York Poor Eliza How simply frightful How humiliating How delightful How poignant it'll be on that inevitable night When she hammers on my door in tears and rags Miserable and lonely Repentant and contrite Will I take her in or hurl her to the wolves Give her kindness or the treatment she deserves Will I take her back or throw the baggage out Well, I'm a most forgiving man The sort who never could Ever would Take a position and staunchly never budge A most forgiving man But I shall never take her back If she were crawling on her knees Let her promise to atone Let her shiver, let her moan I'll slam the door and let the hellcat freeze Marry Freddy. Ha! But I'm so used to hear her say Good morning every day Her joys, her woes Her highs, her lows Are second nature to me now Like breathing out and breathing in I'm very grateful she's a woman And so easy to forget Rather like a habit one can always break And yet I've grown accustomed to the trace Of something in the air Accustomed To her Face Ah, we are proud. He ain't above givin' lessons, not him. I heard him say so. Well, I ain't come here to ask for any compliment, and if my money's not good enough I can go elsewhere. - Good enough for what? - Good enough for you. Now you know, don't ya? I'm come to have lessons, I am, and to pay for 'em too, make no mistake. - What is it you want, my girl? - Uh, I want to be a lady in a flower shop... instead of sellin' at the corner at Tottenham Court Road. They won't take me unless I can talk more genteel. He said he could teach me. Well, here I am, ready to pay, not askin' any favor, and he treats me as if I was dirt. I know what lessons cost as well as you do, and I'm ready to pay. I won't give more than a shillin'; take it or leave it. It's almost irresistible. She's so deliciously low, so horribly dirty. I'll take it! I'll make a duchess of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe-- I washed me face and hands before I come, I did. Eliza? Where the devil are my slippers?