British Pakistani marriages

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Every Pakistani is expected to marry. The age of marriage is different for men and women. Parents try to marry their daughters at the earliest age possible while men marry much later in life. The reason for this is to prevent the bride from losing her respectability through personal encounters with other men. Whilst the man marries much later in life as he is responsible for providing for his wife and future children. For most Pakistani men it takes time before they are economically established for this role. This of course means the bride will marry a man considerably older than herself, an age difference of ten years is not uncommon.
Parents start saving towards the cost of the wedding from the birth of their child as marriage is expensive. The most common marriage arrangement is between first cousins. If a first cousin of suitable age is not found then a second or third cousin will do. Marriages between unrelated couples are uncommon.

Though Pakistanis have immigrated in groups an entire family including extended relations is not always present in the UK. In such cases the marriage partner will be in Pakistan. Where one partner is in Pakistan problems are often encountered if the partner is male. Experience suggests UK immigration officials are usually quite happy to grant visas for brides from Pakistan to enter the country, however men from Pakistan usually face a long and ardous struggle to gain entry to the UK

Whether the prospective partners are allowed to see each other prior to the wedding depends on the families concerned. If one partner lives in Pakistan a photo may be all that is provided. when partners are allowed to meet, the meeting will take place amongst the two families who will be present at all times. It is not unusual for the couple to have no direct contact prior to the wedding.

Once the decision to marry has been made by the parents of the respective families an engagement ceremony is held. It should be noted that not all families will follow every step outlined below.

The engagement
The bridegrooms family will visit the brides family and bring gifts including a gold engagement ring and traditional dresses for the brides sisters. The brides family will give gifts of suits or watches for the bridegrooms brothers. A celebratory meal is cooked and the date of the wedding is finalised.

The Mendi
Mendi is an Urdu word for henna, a mud like substance which when left smeared on the skin leaves behind an orange/brown colour. The mendi is applied to the hands and feet of the bride in intricate patterns, it is also used to dye the hair. The mendi is celebrated in a hall hired for the evening where the women get together to sing traditional wedding songs and dance in celebration. The bride sits on a chair which is decorated with tinsel, she wears very plain clothes with no makeup. Her sisters and close friends enter the hall carrying plates of fresh mendi, the plates are decorated with candels and these are brought to the bride. The mendi is then applied to her hands and feet.
The mendi is held a day or two before the Nikah ceremony. The bridegroom may also have a mendi celebration where mendi is applied to his hands.

Nikah
Nikah is the actual marriage ceremony where the couple are married. The event is organised by the brides family. The ceremony is followed by a meal, a hall is hired to accomodate all the guests which could easily number a thousand.
The ceremony takes place in the presence of the respective families with close friends and relatives. An Imam from the local mosque conducts the ceremony, the wording of which will vary. There is no specific text that needs to be read. Each Imam will have his own particular style for conducting the ceremony.

The bride and bridegroom are not always present in the same room during the ceremony, practise varies between families and the Imam conducting the ceremony. After the ceremony dates and Asian sweets are distributed amongst the guests. Following the ceremony the couple travel to the hall where guests await their arrival. When the bride leaves her parents home rice is scattered to wish her good luck. Male and female guests are usually seperated into different sections. Some Pakistani families in large cities such as London do however sit together in mixed groups. Asian music is played on the sound system, in some cases a live Asian band performs at the event.

The food served is usually roast chicken followed by pilau rice and curry served with coke and other soft drinks. This is followed by sweet rice for desert. The wedded couple sit on a decorated sofa on stage at the front of the hall.

After the meal either in the hall or later at the bridegrooms home the brides sisters present the bridegroom with a glass of milk. The glass is decorated with tinsel and the bridegroom barters for the glass of milk. Once a price has been agreed he pays the sisters and drinks the milk. Another traditional custom is where the brides sisters grab the bridegrooms shoe and hold it to ransom.

When the husband and wife leave the hall as they proceed to the waiting car outside a copy of the Quran is held over their heads. The bride will be accompanied by a sister or aunt to the husbands family home. The couple will spend the first day or two at the husbands home after which they will go to the brides family and spend a few days there.

A custom found in Pakistan that has not been observed here but mentioned as a matter of interest involves the mother of the bridegroom waving a jug of water in a circular motion over his head as he enters the home. The mother takes a sip of the water and waves the jug again, this is performed a total of seven times.

Waleema
The waleema is organised by the bridegrooms family. It is a meal to celebrate the marriage. A hall is hired for the occasion, the arrangements are as for the Nikah meal described above. As an interesting aside waleema celebrations are currently banned in Pakistan. The government of Pakistan considers it an uneccessary waste of money.

Dowry
The brides parents will give a 24ct gold ring and suits to the bridegroom. The bridegrooms sisters will receive gold earings and Asian dresses, the brothers and the father will receive a watch. The mother will receive a gold piece of jewellery and some Asian dresses.
The bridegrooms parents will give the bride a set of gold wedding jewellery together with a set of Asian dresses.

Gifts
Gifts are brought by guests attending the wedding. It is quite common for the presents to be opened to see what the gift is. The name of the person providing the gift together with a description of the present is then noted in a book so that in time to come the benefactor can be reciprocated at his or her wedding.
Clothing
The bride wears a lengha, a traditional skirt which is heavily decorated. The traditional colour for the wedding dress is red though some do break tradition and go for pink.
The bridegroom often wears a dark suit. If a traditional Asian suit is chosen then it will be white and worn with headgear. The bridegroom may also be wearing a necklace made from tinsel and bank notes (usually rupees).

Divorce
Statistics for the divorce rate amongst Pakistanis are not available, however the number is probably increasing dramatically. Hugely unpopular amongst the Pakistani community the brides family will be ostracised and a remarriage for the bride is almost impossible.

Pakistani Islam in the UK

Note the description here is Islam as practised by a significant number of Pakistanis in the UK. For those seeking information about Islam please use a search engine for sites that deal specifically with Islam.
Islam plays a very important role in the lives of Pakistanis. Pakistani culture is a mixture of Islam brought to the subcontinent by Persians and Hinduism.

Men and Islam
Every week Pakistani men attend the Friday congregational prayers. These take place after lunch. The mosque is packed on this day. The sermon lasts about an hour the subject of which will vary depending on the sect. Just before the prayer a collection for donations is held which is the main source of income for the mosque.
Alcohol is strictly forbiden but many young Pakistani men have had a tipple now and then. Smoking on the other hand is perfectly acceptable. Pork is never consummed it is a rare sight indeed to witness a Pakistani eating any Pork.

Women and Islam
The more religious the Pakistani family the greater the restrictions on the women in the household. The iron fisted grip on Pakistani women is loosening and increasing numbers are going to college for further studies. However few will complete their studies as they will be married off before their course ends.
Celebrations
There are three main celebrations held each year amongst the Pakistani community. Pakistanis celebrate by starting the day with a visit to the mosque for congregational prayers and then visits to relatives and friends.
Listed below are the three key celebrations.

Eid ul Fitr is celebrated to mark the end of the fasting month of Ramazan.
Eid ul Aza is celebrated to mark an occasion when Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only son for Allah.
Milaad un nabi to celebrate the birth of the prophet of Islam. A procession is held through the town which ends in the mosque. At the mosque religious odes called nasheeds are sung to honour the prophet. Some sects consider the celebration of birthdays unIslamic and do not celebrate this day.
Births
A woman must not go out for a period of forty days after giving birth. If a boy then circumcision takes place within a few weeks. Meat and sweets are distributed to celebrate the birth. This may be skipped if a girl is born. The head will be shaved several times during the first year. Boys are preferred over girls. Some sects will wrap amulets containing verses of the Quran around the childs neck to ward off evil spirits.
Names are often very long with several middlenames. For example "Syed Jilani Ahmad Chaudry Ishfaq Muhammed" is typical of the length of a Pakistani name. The name may contain some useful information about the Pakistani. The tribe and whether Shia or Sunni can often be gleaned from the name. For practical reasons many Pakistanis will omit some of the middle names in day to day use.

Deaths
It is still common for the body of the deceased to be flown to Pakistan for burial. The number of Muslim graveyards however is increasing and consequently fewer Pakistanis are sent to Pakistan for burial. The family of the deceased will hold a Katam. This involves participants reading chapters from the Quran and praying for the individual who has passed away. The Katam will be repeated on the anniversary of the death. Funeral prayers are conducted at the local mosque even if the deceased is to be flown to Pakistan. Relatives and friends of the family will visit the house to pay their respects. The Katam is still held if a close relative has died in Pakistan and quite often friends will visit the home of a family that has lost a relative in Pakistan.
Muslim organisations and sects
Listed below are the main Islamic sects and organisations in the UK. Visitors to the site are welcome to send in information on other groups not listed.
Al Muajiroon - Popular amongst young Muslim students. This group is banned from many Universities accused of stiring up anti-semitism. In London and the South East you'll find lots of stickers and posters illegaly flyposted on road signs and traffic lights advertising their activities. They are disliked by the older generation of Muslims particularly mosque committees who feel threatened by them. Consequently they are banned form carrying out any activity in many mosques including the distribution of leaflets outside mosque entrances.
Brelvi - The overwhelming majority of Pakistanis belong to this sect. Their mosques are brightly decorated with tinsel and coloured lights. They believe the prophet of Islam is immortal and made of divine light. The religious structure of this sect is made up of pirs, saints that are immortal and possess spiritial powers able to perform miracles. They refer to other Muslims as Wahabees and will only pray in their own mosques. They also celebrate various days marking significant events in the lives of former pirs. The celebrations will involve singing religious odes called nasheeds.
Hizb u tehrer - this is now practically defunct replaced by Al Muhajiroon.
Shias - The shia sect are a minority sect amongst the Pakistanis. There is a certain degree of friction between the shia and sunni Pakistani communities.
Muslim Parliament - Established by the late controversial UK Muslim Dr. Kaleem Sidiqee. It claims to represent the Muslim community in the UK. The organisation has set up a Muslim parliament consisting of MMPs (members of the Muslim parliament). Initial media interest has now gone, they have set up a few committees that have published various white papers. The Muslim parliament has also had some success in setting up an organisation to certify halal meat production. It is more popular in the London area.
Tableegh Jamaat - The second most popular Muslim sect after the Brelvis. They wear distinctive Pakistani clothing as western style shirts, ties and trousers are forbidden. They wear a headgear at all times and grow beards. Women are banned from their mosques. Their headquarters in the UK are in Dewsbury where an annual congregation numbering nearly thirty thousand takes place.
UK Islamic Mission - Made up of mainly first generation Pakistanis who speak Urdu as a first language. Their main influence is the late Syed Abul Ala Mawdudi who established an Islamic movement in Pakistan. A prolific writer who is held with high regard by the members of the organisation. The group has a small following of dedicated members.
Islamic Society of Britain - Draws its membership from University graduates it has a small and dedicated following.
Young Muslims UK - Similiar organisation to the Islamic Society of Britain aimed at the under 25 age group.