Shooting Script (Excerpt)
FADE IN:
INT.
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
RUSSEL
CROWE walks around, insulting other students.
RUSSELL
CROWE That's a nice tie, if you're a schizophrenic! Ha!
ADAM
GOLDBERG Hey, what's your damn problem?
RUSSELL
CROWE I'm a genius when it comes to math. Or economics. Or
cryptography. Definitely a genius though. One day I'll think of a
brilliant theory and I'll show all of you mindless drones how smart
I am.
ADAM
GOLDBERG How do you plan on doing this?
RUSSELL
CROWE I will conceive of the Nash Equilibrium, which will make me
famous and well-loved. You can see this concept illustrated by us
going and hitting on some hot girl, and both getting rejected.
However, if we hit on uglier girls, we all win. Sort of.
ADAM
GOLDBERG Er, that's not the Nash Equilibrium at all. Did hack
screenwriter Akiva Goldsman even read about the real John Nash?
HACK
SCREENWRITER AKIVA GOLDSMAN I started to. Then I got to the part
about him cheating on his wife and having an illegitimate child, and
I figured I could do better if I just invented a Hollywood-style
bastardized tearjerker version of reality instead.
JENNIFER
CONNELLY I love you, Russel Crowe, for some inexplicable damn
reason.
RUSSELL
CROWE Let's get married so I can treat you like shit.
ED HARRIS
Russel Crowe, you're a brilliant code breaker, please join me on my
top secret government project.
RUSSELL
CROWE breaks codes by staring at things and then drawing RANDOM RED
MARKS all over the place. Sometimes NUMBERS.
Eventually, RUSSEL and ED HARRIS are involved in a car chase after
RUSSELL CROWE put TOP SECRET DOCUMENTS into a mailbox he got access
to when a blacklight displayed his SECRET ACCESS CODE embedded in
his arm.
RUSSELL
CROWE Jesus, what the hell I am doing? This movie is fucking stupid.
It's just more X-Files-type government conspiracy crap, god I'm sick
of this kind of mindless garbage.
Suddenly,
we discover that RUSSELL has been having schizophrenic episodes and
ED HARRIS, his DRUNKARD ROOMATE, and his DRUNKARD ROOMATE'S NIECE
are figments of his deranged imagination. String music swells
touchingly.
RUSSELL
CROWE (CONT'D) It's still fucking stupid. Now it's just overly
melodramatic, schlocky, manipulative garbage instead.
DIRECTOR
RON HOWARD You know, if you accurately display your descent into
madness and eventual triumph well enough, there could be awards in
it for you.
RUSSELL
CROWE Hey, I'm Russell Crowe.. being an unstable, arrogant twit
comes quite naturally to me.
RUSSELL
overcomes his mental malady by using his diseased mind to think
LOGICALLY, which makes a whole lot of sense. After ignoring the
IMAGINARY CHARACTERS, he is given a NOBEL PRIZE!
RUSSELL
CROWE (CONT'D) I'm so glad that I have won this, because it
gratifies my enormous ego. If you give me an Oscar, I'll make an
even better speech than this.
The
ACADEMY gives EVERYONE IN THE MOVIE as many OSCARS as they can.
HACK
SCREENWRITER AKIVA GOLDSMAN Wow. After vomiting out two awful Batman
movies, Practical Magic, and Lost In Space, I've won a real, genuine
Academy Award. Now THIS is a schizophrenic episode.
END